Mean to me
by xxjonasangelxx
Summary: Set between Tosh and Owen's deaths and COE. Jack comes to terms with what Gwen means to him. Songfic- What you mean to me by Sterling Knight. There will be Rhys bashing and lots of Drama. Gwack -Don't like dont read.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey Guys... this is my new version of Chapter one. As I asked before I asked for this to be betaed. Because I have countless stories half way through and a couple I hope to post real soon and if anyone is reading my other stories. My Adira Pendragon is getting a new chapter AT LAST. But the chapter after that will be soooo hard. It's the 'poison chalice' one. How am I meant to write that with Adira in? AHHHH :( an also my Mcshep on is sorta all over the place. Plus my h/w load is sooo heavy and unweaving I have barely any time to eat and shower and the rest of it. **

**But now I'm boring you with the details of my life. Back to the matters at hand. I would like to thank Hermione for her wonderful beta and also her (currently) unnamed friend. If there was a way I could repay you both. Please take the time to tell me. and if anyone wishes to suggest any storylines or wants to beta any other of my stories. Then please send me a PM and let me know. I'd love the help and the time to concentrate on my h/w and maybe getting some well needed excerise time. **

**ANNYYWAAAYY. I don't own Torchwood (unfortuntally) - If I did Gwen's lil girl would be Jacks. Not Rhys . **

**Enjoyy :D **

Can't blame you, for thinking,

That you never really knew me at all.

I tried to, deny you,

But nothing ever made me feel so wrong.

_Sterling Knight – What You Mean To Me_

"Who are you, Jack Harkness, who are you really?" Gwen asked me as she leant against the door frame to my office. I was sat at my desk, too busy working through some long overdue paper work to notice her approach my office.

The question had caught me off guard. What had made her bring that up so suddenly and without reason? The look she gave me told me she hadn't really realised she'd said it out loud until she saw the slight shock take over my features. She knew me better than most in the past, present or future, and I've been through all the time periods. But then again, after everything we'd been through, could I really blame her for asking?

To everyone else I was just an attractive mystery. Even to Ianto, I was just the sexy boss who flirted a little too much and helped him with his loss of Lisa even if I was the one who got her killed. But to Gwen I was a friend, someone to care about. It was her usual compassionate way of thinking that had made me trust her so much. Never have I met someone so willing to understand that there were things about myself that I would like to keep hidden. Plus her compassion was genuine: most people just asked and empathized as a 'socially acceptable' action, but Gwen, she actually cared about strangers until they gave her a reason not to.

"Captain Jack Harkness, at your service, leader of Torchwood and super sexy," I winked at her with my usual charming grin. That grin would have fooled almost anyone else, but no, not her. She just wouldn't take the bait and I didn't know whether I should be grateful someone's finally noticing or angry that she can't just leave it be.

Gwen slowly walked into my office, uncrossing her arms as she slouched into the chair next to my desk and shook her head at me. She'd obviously thought about this because she seemed to have a look of impatience on her features, a glint in her eyes that showed how curious she was and how hurt that, even after all we'd been through, she still didn't even know my birth name.

"Jack, please ... this isn't a game. You're my boss, how can you expect me to follow you if I don't even know 'who' you are?" I sighed. Why couldn't she just let it be? Why did she have to become so bloody nosey? And why did she suddenly care about something she'd been left in the dark about for the last three or so years she's been working with me. Maybe it was the fact that she was now married, maybe it was the fact that the team was down two members and she felt as if she needed to know who to trust. I couldn't really blame her for that. But normally she let me keep up the façade, never pushing me to reveal the person I truly am. Today, it seems, she is unwilling to let me have my secrets.

"Gwen would you just leave it? The past is the past, just leave it at that!" I got up out of my seat, needing to stretch my legs and, besides, I don't think I could take that look of pleading in her eyes, the look of heart break that I had caused. I had to deal with her crying in front of me, seeing her down for months before she finally started to smile again. But when the smile came back, something was missing. It was a shadow of its former self, and it never quite reached her eyes. That look hurt me more than I can say, and there's nothing I wouldn't do to see her smile again. Really smile.

I look down to the Hub through the window. No one was in the large room. Ianto was somewhere else trying to avoid the now empty command room without Tosh and Owen. I heard Gwen get out her seat and stand behind me but I couldn't face her, not if she still had that painful look in her eyes. I didn't want to lie to her. If I was honest with what I wanted, then I would turn to face her, kiss her, and tell her everything and anything about my life and make her see that she was someone I needed. I'd even want to tell her the things I've forced myself to forget, because they were too painful. Or because I was too ashamed. I slowly turned to face her. She'd just stood there, a gentle hand on my back in support. She always did find a way of making the little touches, the little things, important and comforting.

As my eyes catch hers, we seem to lose ourselves for a few moments before she suddenly pulls me into a hug, her arms around my waist, her head perfectly placed on my chest. We just fitted each other and we both seemed to know it. But Gwen wasn't going to back down easily, she was too stubborn for that. It's a welcome reminder that some things will always be the same, even if it can be one of her less than endearing qualities.

"Jack ... Please let me in. Let me see your true self for once in your bloody immortal life. Try trusting someone, try trusting me." Oh, how I wanted to trust her. In my way, I did trust her. With everything. I trusted her with my life, if I were mortal; I trusted her to bring me back and she was my main reason for coming out of each death. I don't think anyone else has ever noticed how I come out of death a lot quicker if I know she needs me. But I noticed. If she's in trouble I'd be up within seconds even if it hurt more. Because despite all my efforts and pushing her away I loved her. Too late to start denying it now or even stop feeling it.

I didn't trust myself to have to deal with the pain of losing her. After Tosh and Owen we'd both grew closer and even when Ianto kept trying to get close to me, trying to comfort me in a 'boyfriend' sort of way I just shut him out. I cared about him more than I cared about most people, but it was not the way I cared for Gwen. Sweet old Gwen Cooper... Gwen Williams. I always had to remind myself of that.

That was another reason why I wasn't going to let her in any time soon: she was married. There have been so many moments where either one of us could have closed the gap and changed our relationship altogether. Whether we are laughing and joking together, pretending not to notice the flirtatious turn to the conversation. Both acting as if the light touches were innocent in their intent. Or even the times we are yelling and fighting, the distance between us closing until we are nose to nose. Tempers flaring, blood pumping, passions rising, it would have been so easy to step over that line. But we didn't. I step back or she does, it doesn't matter. What matters is that she doesn't ruin her normal life, the one I told her to cling to. I wasn't going to make her choose, there was no way I was ever going to hurt her like that. If that meant I had to let her hurt a little with the fact that she didn't know me then so be it. And what if I did tell her? Would she go confide in Rhys about all those things that I told her in confidence? No. I wasn't going to tell her if I knew she wasn't mine.

No, I wouldn't put her through that and even with that thought in mind I feel as if I shrinking inwards. Either way, I lost. Either way, I'd end up hurting her more than she'd ever let me know. I pulled her arms away from my waist gently and went back to sit at my desk. I was ignoring, with all my might, her presence, ignoring the pained look on her face which turned into slight anger. She huffed in frustration. She was too tired to fight right now and it showed on her face; ever since Tosh and Owen she hadn't yelled at me with as much passion as before.

I did almost anything in my power to get her to yell at me, to feel the spark of emotion and let it out. I succeeded a couple times and smiled at her as she screamed at me and we'd end up laughing and apologizing with a pizza and chasing each other around trying to tickle each other. They were some of those rare moments where she'd be herself without the pain, without the regret that made me love her more. So she stomped off out the door of my office, down the stairs and out the Hub cog door to go home. Home ... to her husband and her perfectly normal life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys. I wanna thank you for your support... I loved that you said that I was portraying the emotion well, cuz I've never been very good with that. At least not with written words so thanks so much for the confident boost. Like I said, I don't intend this to be short... so this is the second part and we're not even close to where my writers block decided to kick in. Again I won't upload more until I know at least a few people are reading and truly interested. So please let me know that you are by faving or commenting. Comments are always welcomed even critism (as long as it's not about me personally...) I'll take it if it's advice or honest words about my writing. But please no telling me that you perfer Janto or whatever because if you'd read the intro you'd know this is Gwack. Not tryna be horrible I just know that Gwack isn't as popular as Janto and some people can be quiet forward with their viewpoints. **

**Oh yes and some offered to Beta YAY :D. That should mean that my silly spelling/grammar mistakes will be corrected before you read this :) **

**I've bored you for long enough with this rant. So yes part 2... Thank you and Enjoy :) x**

I thought I was protecting you,

from everything that I go through,

but I know that we got lost along the way.

Couldn't she see I was protecting her? If she got involved, if she knew what I've done, she'd never have the normal life she wanted with Rhys, would never have his children with the happiness that she deserved. I know she's mad with me. She's slowly given up on trying with me and I couldn't really blame her. There was only many times you could try and get someone to talk to you before you think that they just don't want you to know what was underneath that act, under the mask. But surely Gwen knew me well enough to know that it was for her protection and not me just wanting to keep myself to myself.

I sigh once again, the act almost second nature to me when it came to my thoughts of how angry Gwen was. I ran my hands through my hair stressing (once again) over whether Gwen was ever gonna see me in the same way again, would she just stop trying to be friendly, would she start seeing me that way that Rhys did? If so I think I'd rather die forever

How did we get here? How did Gwen become so distant? when did I become so heartless? When did I care more about protecting my heart than Gwen? When did we get so lost? Thinking about it, it was probably about the time that she admitted her engagement, even with everything going on she'd still try pushing me away and even when she told me that she thought no one else would have her we both knew I'd have her no question. But I knew she wouldn't let me have her until she felt like she knew me. With everyone I'd lost, with the man lifetimes I've lived and that suffering to match don't I deserve some happiness? Haven't I sacrified enough, Suffered enough and that was it. I've made my decision.

With that thought in mind, I grab my Coat and pulled it over my blue shirt with my usual brown straps pushing it gently into my shoulder blades and rushed out the hub, yelling to Ianto that I was heading out and telling him to go home as soon as he was ready. It was quiet late as it was (not that was ever a reason for Ianto to leave work) and I felt he needed time to stop working and sit and dwelling in his pain, it was the only way to he would even start to deal with his friends death because as of late, he'd spent all his time blaming himself and if he couldn't come to turns with the wrongly blamed guilt he wasn't going to be much use to me... or Torchwood if he was just that shell he is at the moment and even as I tried to get him to see reason I couldn't help but feel responsible, not only because he's part of my team, but because if not for his loss of Lisa he would have had someone to turn to and even if Lisa's cyber- state wasn't my fault, her death (indirectly or not) _was _my fault. Ianto was alone, sure he'd go visit his sister and act as if his life was just as normal as it ever was but I wasn't stupid I saw the spark fade more and more within in him each day and even with the knowledge of his strength I couldn't help but be a worried friend. Swallowing that thought I slide into the SUV and headed for the place I knew Gwen would be.

I could deal with things, you tend to after the amount of pain I've had to deal with. I've learnt how to hide it, I've learnt to act as if it isn't affecting me, as if I don't care... yet there were times I'd cry, any human being with a heart needed to cry, needed to shed the pain, share the pain but I could deal on my own if need be but just like most people lives a lot easier if someone actually cares about your living and your wellbeing and that was what I had to prove to Gwen.

Here I am  
>with all my heart I hope you understand<br>I hope you understand  
>I know I let you down, but I'm never,<br>Gonna make that mistake again.

I banged on the door for the third time, becoming inpatient with the fact that no one had answered when I knew someone was in by the fact that the lights were on, even if they were a little fainter because they were energy saving bulbs and I knew Gwen was the reason why, I remember her asking me about 3 weeks into her new job at torchwood just how much the hub's electricity was (I figured she just wanted to know as much about the Hub and the way it works) and when I told her the yearly cost she had slapped me on the arm and gave me a lecture about how much money this country could save if we all learnt to save electricity and then she demanded that she been in charge of making that bill going down. I had to laugh and accept her rather desperate request, as if it was life and death. I was quiet surprised when Gwen had made monthly budges for electricity (with the pacific's of all the hub's resources) cut down by a third and then I raised her pay and told her it was her job to man the bills because no one else really put any effort into them.

I smile at the fond memory as I once again bang on the door and shout into the letter box

"Gwen Copper (Even if she was married, I wasn't going to stop calling her what I always did when I was a little wound up)... Open this door or I'm coming in and that means you paying for a new door" I took a few paces back ready to shove myself into the door when the door unlocked from the inside and a red eyed, still crying Gwen opened the door. That look, those tears if only she knew how much it hurt me. More than any death ever would. No torture could be more effective and I only wish Gwen knew it so she'd stop crying.

"What's the matter Jack? Not done pushing me away huh?" Her voice was barely a whisper as the last word escaped. She walked back into the flat, leaving me to close the door behind me. I shut the door with a gentle click and rounded the corner that led to the main room of the flat. Gwen was sitting her the sofa, her long sleeves pulled up onto her hands, are arms hugging her knee's which were drawn into her. Her face still stained with tears and it broke my heart to see her this way. I sat down next to her, not really knowing where to start. Deciding that something needed to

break the painful silence that had surrounded us I turned to her, pulling one of my legs up so I could turn to face her.

"Gwen... what's the matter?" Gwen looked at me in slight shock, I'd never just out right asked her what was wrong because I could always tell her every mood, her every upset. I asked if she was okay, just to get her to show me that she fighting her painful emotions that she was still able to work and at least have some form of a ghost smile, even if it haunted me and broke me in half and I had to do use all my energy to see her smile and laugh. But with this I just needed her to say it out loud so we could deal with it.

"You know that's the bloody hells the matter Jack, you're just choosing to ignore that I'm crying like this because of you" her voice full of hatred. I jumped up, pulling off my coat and chucked it to where I had just sat. That was the last straw and if I didn't get her to stop crying for a few moments I think I was going to break.

"Okay fine... You wanna know what goes on in here?" point to my heart. "You wanna know how much pain is in here hmm? why do you think I push people away Gwen? I don't do it cuz I'm kind of heartless bastard that most people will tell you I am. I do it to protect you! You don't wanna know half the things I've done, half of the unforgivable things I've done because Gwen I want you to look at me the way you use to, the look of amazement at my immortality, the mystery I am to you, I wanted to you laugh around me because you knew no matter what I cared about you the way you are, mistakes in all. I wanted you to see the good things in my heart, the things that were part of me before I had to deal with so much suffering going on around me.

I don't expect you to forgive me for making you cry because God Gwen that's not what I wanted AT ALL, seeing you cry like that just makes me want to hold you close, kiss those sweet red kissable lips and tell Rhys that you're mine and that I won't ever let you go. I want to hide you away from all the 'alien' things to do with Torchwood, I wanted to save you from the pain of knowing lose of true friends and the rest of the pain the world brought your way. I hope you understand Gwen because I'm never gonna push you away again. I'm never gonna lock myself away from you. If you want to know the real me, who am I to stop you? But I'm warning you of the dangers, I'm warning you that you may get hurt, you may never want to talk to me again. You may say I'm a threat to Torchwood, to the whole plant. I'm too tired to try and stop you from hurting, from killing me time and time again until you feel as if I've suffered enough for my deeds, though personally I think I've suffered enough" While I had been rambling, Gwen had gotten up to stand next to me, she took hold of my hand and stroked my face with the other.

Now I just had to see if she'd understand, would she see I'm doing this in good faith. Doing this because I loved her.


End file.
